This has been one of the worst Springs of my life. One of them. Not the worst one. That was when I was 19 and fell so deeply into a depression that I tried to kill myself. Never brought myself to the point, got help, got better, but the cause of my old depression is back with a vengeance and I’m fighting to keep from going back into that dark place.

My mother’s been terminally ill since I was 19 (it’s been a long 5 years), but this Spring has been the worst of them all for her. She’s down to weighing 80 lbs, sometimes unable to spend any time setting up (let alone standing) and things are not looking good. The illness has always been terminal, but until this year the doctors were doing a good job of making it effectively more of a chronic one.

When I got healthy 5 years ago I coped by blogging, by reading, by making friends, by being active, by having projects, by living life as best I could. That’s what I’m trying to do now and for the most part it’s working. I’m not as depressed now as I was then, I’m often really enjoying myself with twitter friends or blogging friends or projects like the Cthulhus (still waiting on boxes to get Etsy started).

But some days it still catches up to me, whether because I went home or got news from my dad that she was having an especially bad day or it the momentousness of it gets to me.

I’m writing this because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’m having to work more consciously at stopping the depressing thoughts and focusing on things that I can control. So I thought I’d acknowledge it here, just as I’ve acknowledged it to myself.

Lucky for me, besides having experience dealing with this from last time, I’m also married to a guy who’s had his own battles with depression and is pretty good at helping me deal with my own issues. So I think I can do it.

Tomorrow’s post will be lighter & happier. Probably.


  1. Spring says:

    Depression is rough. My rough patch was a couple years ago. Hang in there, make a Cthulhu. :) Whatever works, right?

  2. Anassa says:

    Oh man. So sorry to hear about your mom and that you’re struggling with depression. I think you’re doing things right, though, by acknowledging the problem and trying to stay active and engaged. I try to do similar when I get low (and like every writer, I do, occasionally). Hang in there. You’re strong.

  3. Ruth says:

    @Spring whatever works indeed. Today’s been better, too.

    @nerdsherpaThanks! :) That did make me laugh.

    @Anassa Trying to do it better this time around. I feel like I’ve got the tools anyway.

  4. Amy says:

    Oh hon. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. It takes a lot to recognize things and make them better. You obviously have strength, I know you can do it. *BFH* (big frakking hugs)

    Also – your posts don’t have to be happy and cheery. We’ll be here regardless. :)

  5. @nerdsherpa says:

    Once again, if sadness should set in, I direct you to the hamster video I have so kindly provided.

  6. Mike says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your Mom. I can’t imagine living with a situation like that since you were 19, but I guess the human condition is such, that we can adapt to a lot of things.

    I hope your Mom does ok, and I really hope you banish the depression to a place far away.

  7. 8-bit Emma says:

    I’m sorry you are going through this. :( I understand blogging as an escape and I have been really enjoying your blog and crafts. Here’s some electronic support and e-hugs for you. Take care.

  8. Ruth says:

    @Amy thanks. I hope that I’ll have plenty of cheery things to write about, though. But it’s nice to know I won’t alienate people if the bad stuff comes around too.

    @Mike At first I couldn’t either. But we humans are remarkably adaptable.

    @Emma Thanks, I’m glad you’ve been enjoying them. :)

  9. Kara says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this, Ruth! I’ve had some serious ups and downs over the past two years, as well, so I’ll commiserate. It’s great that you’ve got a support network around you through your family, friends, and blog/Twitter friends. And you sound like you’ve got plenty of projects lined up, like Chtulhus and identifying and learning to cook bizarre veggies!

    Plus we’re all here for you! :)

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