This has been one of the worst Springs of my life. One of them. Not the worst one. That was when I was 19 and fell so deeply into a depression that I tried to kill myself. Never brought myself to the point, got help, got better, but the cause of my old depression is back with a vengeance and I’m fighting to keep from going back into that dark place.
My mother’s been terminally ill since I was 19 (it’s been a long 5 years), but this Spring has been the worst of them all for her. She’s down to weighing 80 lbs, sometimes unable to spend any time setting up (let alone standing) and things are not looking good. The illness has always been terminal, but until this year the doctors were doing a good job of making it effectively more of a chronic one.
When I got healthy 5 years ago I coped by blogging, by reading, by making friends, by being active, by having projects, by living life as best I could. That’s what I’m trying to do now and for the most part it’s working. I’m not as depressed now as I was then, I’m often really enjoying myself with twitter friends or blogging friends or projects like the Cthulhus (still waiting on boxes to get Etsy started).
But some days it still catches up to me, whether because I went home or got news from my dad that she was having an especially bad day or it the momentousness of it gets to me.
I’m writing this because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’m having to work more consciously at stopping the depressing thoughts and focusing on things that I can control. So I thought I’d acknowledge it here, just as I’ve acknowledged it to myself.
Lucky for me, besides having experience dealing with this from last time, I’m also married to a guy who’s had his own battles with depression and is pretty good at helping me deal with my own issues. So I think I can do it.
Tomorrow’s post will be lighter & happier. Probably.